[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
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Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Who’s your best friend?
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.