Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
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doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
you stereotypes are all alike
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up