Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
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Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Last-minute gift idea!
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island