me when I see my crush
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Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend