The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
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I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
The fall of Netflix
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
#Caturday
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now