Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
You Might Also Like
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!