It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
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[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Bootstraps
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”