Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
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OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”