My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
You Might Also Like
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*