Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
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As the best book lists of 2021 drop
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.