*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
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“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Just got to our Airbnb!
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.