her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
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Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.