Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
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There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Don’t we all.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?