WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
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(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I saw this ending much differently.