Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
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I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?