KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
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A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Fluff me with a fork baby
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
ME (calling my horse with no name):
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Jogging has never helped my memory.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.