I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
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Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Where’s my employee discount too?
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad