me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
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[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I’m going to need a moment here.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans: