A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
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Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Never forget.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
i guess his teacher was really pissed
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.