I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
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Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”