Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
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My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
That’s easy for you to say
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together