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[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Jurassic park gets weird
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”