6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
You Might Also Like
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.