I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
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If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.