Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
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The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.