My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
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It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.