After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
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May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Check your privilege