The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
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This meal prepping shit easy
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.