Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
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When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
checking out some reviews of my local library
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.