No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
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12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Yup!
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
More like Kate Missington.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.