Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
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*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!