Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
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Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.