Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
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You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!