request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
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Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
*frowns in Scottish*
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.