Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
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If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!