me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
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Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Based Erika
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Pretty much. 🤣
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin