Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
You Might Also Like
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Heroic Misunderstanding
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this