Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
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(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
my dog when i have a friend over