[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
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A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
#TopTip
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
My birth announcement for our third baby
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Horrifying if literal: armchairs