Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
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Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Worlds greatest photobomb
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.