Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
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i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
This checks out
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call