me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
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Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
What personal space?
My dog
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!