RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
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*gets down on one knee*
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.