pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
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So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car