I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
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TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.