[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
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you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
just left a huge legacy in there
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup