“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
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What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.