It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
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If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!