Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
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The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.