[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
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Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.